Father's Day

I had my first Mother’s Day last month and now it is my husband’s turn for his first Father’s Day.  He gets to spend it at home with Baby while Mama works all weekend at the hospital.  That is basically the story of our lives.  I am one of many mothers-in-medicine whose careers are made possibly by supportive partners.

This arrangement is challenging at times, but allows Baby to develop a special bond with his Daddy.  It is wonderful to see Baby’s entire face light up (often with a happy dance as well) when he sees Daddy come into a room or hears his voice. 

Although Daddy can’t breastfeed, he has other unique duties.  He is the designated solid food giver.  Baby sits on Daddy’s lap for dinner time and puts his little hand on Daddy’s big hand to help guide the spoon.  With his superior upper body strength, he is the baby flyer and bouncer and car-seat carrier.  He is better at lowering sleepy Baby smoothly into his bed.

I love watching them play together and laugh at each other.  I am looking forward to seeing how their relationship evolves as Baby grows up.  I am so thankful that he will have such a strong male role model: a man who is kind, smart, generous, patient, respectful.  A man who can coordinate biomedical research and manage multi-site databases, and also cook, bake, and do laundry.  I wish every little boy – and little girl – could have a daddy like that.

I am also thankful for the father figures in my life, who will be grandfather figures to him.  I am blessed with an amazing dad of my own, a fabulous godfather, and a number of male mentors.  Each one can play a special role in Baby’s life too.

Mother's Day

Baby doesn’t know it’s Mother’s Day.  He is only 5 months old with no concept of calendars.  He has started saying “mama”, but he seems to use it to mean “hungry”.  He knows I am his primary food source.  He has a lot to learn, but he has also done a surprising amount of teaching.  In particular, he has given me a new understanding of the quality of time.

I have always been a big fan of to-do lists.  I enjoy crossing off as many boxes as possible in the course of a day.  This was especially essential during residency, when I had an overwhelming number of tasks to prioritize and accomplish.  I have been busy since then too (though less frantically so).  Each day has its set of check boxes related to following up on patient care, planning teaching sessions, analyzing data, writing papers.  My sense of fulfillment has been tied to these lists.  When I make progress through them, I feel efficient, well-organized, and productive.

During maternity leave, my entire pattern changed.  There were no finite tasks.  You can’t put “feed the baby” or “change the diaper” on a to-do list.  You will just have to do it again in 2 hours.  It is a constant cycle of repeating chores.  I had very little evidence of what I was accomplishing and plenty of what I was not (failing to clean the house, for instance). 

I had to change my perspective.  It was not about what I was doing but how I was being.  Baby was well taken care of, we were together, and that was enough.

Now that I am back at work, I have it both ways.  During work time, I cross things off the to-do list.  During family time, I do my best to put the list away and focus on the constants of feeding, playing, and cuddling.  Instead of finite tasks, there is a long-term investment in Baby’s health, happiness, and well-being. 

Baby may not understand exactly what “mama” means yet, but he is getting to know me.  He turns toward my voice and tracks me as I walk around a room.  Best of all, he grins ecstatically when he sees me again after any absence (even as short as waking up from a nap).  This bond is more fulfilling than any check box on a list of accomplishments.

Guest Post

Check out my guest post on Mothers in Medicine!  It's a wonderful site and community for all of us who are trying to make it work as doctor-moms.

Return

I have let this blog lapse a bit over the past few months.  If you recall that my last post was about having a baby, you will be able to guess why.  With the competing demands of being a new mama and going back to work full-time after 8 weeks of leave, something had to give. 

I have been inspired to get back to it though, after attending the national meeting of the Society of General Internal Medicine.  SGIM meetings are inspiring in many ways.  It’s exciting to be able to share research, hear about innovations in medical education and practice, and be with colleagues from around the U.S. and across the world.  These are people who care deeply about patients.  They strive to connect with individuals in meaningful ways and also reform healthcare systems, reduce disparities, and promote social justice.  It’s great to be immersed in that kind of vision and energy.

During the meeting, I took part in a writing workshop.  Amidst the bustle of a packed schedule, it gave me a refreshing moment of quiet and reflection and a chance to meet others who are interested in narrative medicine.  We were able to share some very powerful stories of healing.  It reminded me of the value of this kind of sharing, not only in person but also on a wider scale through blogs. 

So, I am back and I invite you to rejoin me.           

Above and Beyond

It has been a scary, painful, difficult week, which began with 30+ hours of labor followed by a C-section.  I have been dealing with all of the challenges of being in the hospital as a patient for the first time (that I remember), recovering from surgery, and caring for a newborn (also for the first time).  Along the way though, I have had several moments, which I want to highlight, of the staff showing compassion and respect for me as a person, above and beyond the excellent medical care that I received.  I would like to thank:

The OBGYN, who kept me well informed about what was going on.  One of the scariest things is not knowing and letting your imagination run away with you.  When a decision had to be made, she explained the options and the implications of each one, as best they could be predicted, and gave me space to talk to my family too for support. 

The anesthesiologist, who kept me updated during the surgery, when I could not see because of the drape.  I have seen C-sections performed from the other side and know what the steps should be.  He also wrapped towels around my arms when I was shivering and let me know that this too would pass.

The post-partum night nurse, who was always positive and upbeat and never made me feel like I was bothering her, even when I was calling in the middle of the night.  Taking the baby to the nursery for a few hours, so we could get a little sleep, was much appreciated.

The day nurse, who was kind and encouraging, when I was having hormonal crying spells.  She reassured me that it was normal to feel overwhelmed at first and everything would be okay.

Everyone who let my husband know that he was doing a good job too.  Several nurses and the lactation consultant all remarked on this.  Maybe they tell every dad that he’s the best dad on the floor.  But they noticed the way he changed the diapers when I was still unsteady on my feet, the way he fed me and helped me drink while I was nursing, and the way he stayed with me and supported me through the whole process.  He certainly did not feel like he knew what he was doing, so I was glad that so many people with baby expertise could tell him that he was actually a gold-star daddy.

We are all doing much better now, settling into our new life at home.  Yes, this is hard work, but a great blessing too.  And it was good to see from the patient side how a little humanism can go such a long way in helping people to feel cared for.

Being the Patient in the Triad

Usually I am the Preceptor/Teacher in clinical settings, supervising a medical student or resident in their interactions with a patient.  I have the challenging and rewarding task of making sure that the patient is well cared for and that the learner’s needs are also met.  I am still working on the art of gently guiding learners while preserving their relationships with their patients.

Recently I had the relatively new experience of being the patient in a patient-student-preceptor triad.  At my OB appointment, a medical student was practicing how to check fetal dopplers and fundal height, supervised by the nurse-practitioner.  Overall, he was doing it correctly but I could tell that he would benefit from some direction on positioning.  I did not tell the student that I was a doctor, since I thought it might make him nervous, and I did not want to correct him myself, in case that would undermine his actual supervisor.  So, I kept quiet and observed.

The NP did an excellent job of showing him how to improve his technique, not only explaining what to do but why, and sharing expertise in a constructive way.  I am sure that this student has had plenty of experiences in his training when he was either ignored or completely crushed by criticism.  It was great to see him get some good teaching.  I was glad to provide him with a learning opportunity and also to learn something myself from a role model in precepting.